What is sex addiction?

It’s a tricky question: how do you know when someone is addicted to sex? Some seem to know the answer, while others believe that sex addiction doesn’t exist at all! There’s no clear definition. Still, some sexual behaviour can be problematic, and that is what we’ll dive into here.

Despite differing opinions on the concept of “sex addiction”, we will use the term in this blog to discuss the phenomenon.

Sex is healthy and normal

Having sexual feelings is very healthy and normal. Almost everyone has them. For most of us, sexual feelings are a natural part of life and often contribute positively to our identity. We engage in sex because we love someone, because we crave the feeling that sex gives us, or because sexual touch simply feels good. There are several reasons to have sex, and in our society, we all have plenty of access to it. Partly because of the free supply of porn, online dating, and sexting via social media.

Still, some sexual feelings and sexual behaviour can become problematic. That’s when we would be talking about a “sex addiction”.

What’s a “sex addict”?

A “sex addiction” indicates that you depend on sex to (continue to) feel good. Watching porn, masturbating, having an orgasm: it makes us feel happy and joyful thanks to the release of dopamine in the brain.

Always craving sex or engaging in it a lot (hypersexuality; a high sex drive), is not a hallmark of sex addiction.

How often you engage in sex says nothing about whether or not you have an addiction. It only becomes a problem when you feel like you have no control over your sexual behaviour. So, just because your partner thinks you watch porn or feel like having sex too often, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re addicted.

How does a sex addiction manifest itself?

Sex addiction can come in many different forms. Some examples:

• Compulsive masturbation
• Having many different bed partners
• Spending hours watching porn
• Being preoccupied with sex and/or porn during work or other daily activities
• (Compulsive) visits to sex workers

When the above behaviours happen occasionally, or in moderation rather than compulsively, it wouldn’t be considered a problem or a sex addiction. But sometimes, this type of behaviour can get out of control and affect one’s daily life in a negative way.

Also read: Important sex facts they don’t teach you at school

• It has a negative impact on your relationship with your partner and/or friends and family
• It affects your work life
• Sex addiction often leads to financial problems
• Your health and/or that of others is put at risk
• You’re at risk of criminal behaviour
• Negative feelings such as guilt, shame, lowered self-esteem, etc.

Tackling a sex addiction

It’s often assumed that sex addiction in itself is not the real issue, but rather a symptom of an underlying problem. For example, when someone is feeling depressed.

Example: Someone who feels extremely low may start masturbating (compulsively) to feel better. The addiction then leads to more depression and/or dark feelings. The person ends up in a vicious circle and can no longer pinpoint the true cause of the problem.

It’s important to examine if there are underlying factors and how they can be addressed. Furthermore, some specialised counselling programmes can specifically address sex addiction. These programmes teach you how to deal with your needs, give you insight into the cause of the issue, and provide a step-by-step plan to tackle the behaviour.

Sex addiction treatment looks at the underlying issues, teaches you how to manage your needs, and provides a targeted step-by-step plan.

The partner of a sex addict

Often, the sexual behaviour of the “addict” has quite an impact on their relationship with their partner. Sadness, insecurity, and feelings of being cheated on often emerge once the partner knows about the addiction. For close friends and family too, addiction can have a profound impact on their lives.

Also read: 10 sex taboos that are perfectly normal